What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 01:31
I said to her
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why are black women the largest unmarried group in the United States of America?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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I was 9 years of age.
I have no regrets .
I will be 64.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did the UK Supreme Court rule that transgender women are not women?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What should I do if I love a girl and she apparently doesn't love me?
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did my crush like me for only two days in a row?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Comes on , in middle age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Who then, do I blame.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is soul school!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He knew the spot.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.